Finding a trigger

I've been running for more than 5 years now. Running was never anything I thought I could do. When I turned 30, I said I'm going to start. Umm...hubby started, I didn't. It wasn't for another couple years that I decided to go for it. I had the support of a friend who swore up and down that I could if I wanted to. She had faith that I had it in me.

I decided to try. I belonged to a gym that you did 30 second weights/30 second cardio for x amount of time as your workout. I decided I would take those 30 second cadio breaks for running. Sure, at first it was running in place, but I eventually started running around in a circle where the machines were. Then I upped it to a minute cardio/30 second weights. I kept this up until I could run 5-6 minutes straight. Then I took it outside and started running at a local park. Eventually I was able to work my way up to a mile. Woohoo! Who knew? My friend (and my husband!).

For the next 5 years I always had her support in running - I would get texts asking how runs went, comments about when I would race the next distance, advice on training programs, and just overall love and faith that I could do it. It was amazing having someone who shared her passion for running with someone who didn't think they could do it or run the next distance.

But, over the last year/year and a half we've spoken less, texted less, messaged less. I didn't have that support that I had when I started. It's been in the last year/year and a half that I've struggled with my running/working out. I haven't felt motivated to run. I haven't felt motivated to do my workouts. I've been struggling to want to go out there.

This past week I realized why. It's been because I lost my biggest cheerleader. I had someone who always had my back and tried their best to encourage me when I didn't know if I could do something. She was always right, but I was nervous. Without that external support, I foundered. It finally occurred to me that while I like to think I can do anything myself, having that person who loves you enough to help you do something you never thought you could leaves a huge void.

So, to lighten this post (sorry!), I am so happy I figured this out. It is sad. Loosing someone that important in your life is hard, but figuring out that this has been affecting me in such a way is fantastic! I now know that I need that encouragement and can work on finding those who would be open to being mutually supportive. I can't be the only one who needs that. A lost friendship is painful, but I learned a great deal from it.

Now to get on with training...

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One

Ugh. I gained a pound this week. I'm not real thrilled about this. I know I didn't eat 100% perfect and I missed a workout, but... I'm still mad. Not at anyone but myself. I know what I did. I know why this happened. I got a little too cocky.

See last week I kinda half-assed my workouts and food. I wasn't on point each day, but close enough. And last week I lost about 3-4 pounds. Rather than building on that and continuing on with tweaking the diet to go healthier, I let myself slack. I ate a bit more than I did last week. I skipped the gym Wednesday. I ate poorly two weeknights rather than one. I know I can get away with one night with a bad dinner, but not two. And that's what I did.

So, this week I'm going to work on getting past my malaise. I need to get back in the groove with food and exercise. I have to follow through on what I say I'm going to do. I need to follow my calorie allotment for the day and I need to do my workouts. One week isn't forever, but it sure can lead to more.

Next week I want to be down 2 pounds. I know how to do it. Cut out 3,500 calories via food and 3,500 calories via exercise. I can do it. I just have to buckle down.

Eating Issues

Cheesesteak eggrolls

I am realizing more and more that food and I do not always get along. I spent the last two years losing weight and I was this close to reaching my goal this past July. I was about 12 pounds away from it. And then I stopped all my healthy habits and fell into all those habits that had been part of my life for the past 35 years. 

Breakfasts have been fine over all this time. I've managed to eat healthy everyday (besides my Saturday morning donut). This meal has been easy to keep on track for. I suppose anything would make this meal easy to keep on track with when for years I didn't eat breakfast at all.

Lunch generally is pretty good. I tend to eat healthy lunches. I pack a lunch two days a week and eat at home the other three. I rarely eat lunch on weekends because we're not home. Sandwiches, carrots, and apples are generally what make up my lunch, whether at home or at work. Occassionally, based on how hungry I think I'll be I'll either pack nuts or buy them at work. I won't lie, some Fridays I just don't feel like packing and buy out. Usually, pretzel nuggets from Auntie Anne's or I might hit up a local restaurant for their Turkey Melt and sweet potato fries. But, overall lunches are decent.

My biggest downfall is when I come home. I either stop on my way home and grab a (bad) snack. If I don't do that, I come home and eat something from the pantry. Usually pretzel rods, but it could be anything - nuts, potato chips, crackers. Whatever happens to be lying around. Then I go on to eat dinner. I don't know what it is about snacking after work. It doesn't matter if I come right home or stop at the gym first, I go right for food. I know this is tripping me up big time. It starts a downward spiral of eating for the night. If I did go to the gym before coming home, it totally negates all the good I did. Ugh.

Dinner's aren't always great. I'm lazy when it comes to making dinner. I don't want to make huge casseroles or meat with vegetables. It really is hit or miss when it comes to dinner, some nights I'm all about the healthy, other nights I'm all about the easy. I really need a chef. Not only would they help me eat healthy, but I wouldn't have to cook. Yes. Lazy. Dinners are not awful per se, but they aren't always healthy. There are enough nights of potato chips/french fries/crap. It apparently is adding up.

Dessert. Ahhhh...dessert. My favorite meal of the day. And honestly, it's becoming a meal in it's own right. It used to be I could have a "real" dessert on Friday and Saturday night. The other nights of the week I could have a couple pieces of chocolate (Hershey Kisses so I can limit them) or maybe jelly beans (good sugar rush, but easy to count out ahead of time). Lately, I've been having slices of apple pie every night or some other bakery dessert. Yea. This helps the ole diet.

Writing it down helps me see I'm not doing everything wrong. I apparently can handle breakfast and lunch. It's just late afternoon/dinner/after dinner that is the problem. Which isn't great that 3 out of 5 times of day I am struggling, but I suppose it's good I know this. I know where to concentrate. I can work on each one, trying to bring that back to where I was. Build on success.

I also know I need to get my butt back to the gym and on the roads again. I haven't been that great about running lately or going to the gym after work. I know this is the busiest time of year, but you know what? I need to focus on getting there. I have a trainer I see on Monday nights, I can hit the gym after work on Wednesday and Thursday, and I can run on Saturday. I might even squeeze a run in on Monday and/or Tuesday.

I can do this. I can turn things around. I just need to concentrate and follow through.

October 1 - 20 days

In 20 days, I will (hopefully) stand on the boardwalk in Atlantic City ready to tackle 13.1 miles. Right now, I'm not sure. I have been awful at training this time around. Heat. Injury. Lack of motivation. If it would keep me from training, I did it.

But, the first day of October means the day of reckoning quickly approaches. There are 20 days til the race. I have not run in over a week due to the shin splints. I haven't done to the gym because of them as well. I'm going out this afternoon to see if I can run. I have a training session with my trainer tonight. I'm praying my legs don't die.

So, 20 days to get ready for 13.1 miles. Do I have it in me to cross the finish line? I don't know...

Update (5:10 p.m. October 1, 2012): I went to Shelley Park near the house to run the trail. I got about a mile and a half in before my Achilles hurt. My shin splints seemed to hold up ok, but the Achilles was so tight. I stopped, came home, and am icing both shins and the ankle. Will try again later in the week. Hopefully this was a one-off. 

Too tight...

I don't need to get on the scale to know I've gained too much weight over the last few weeks.  How do I know?  The weather is gorgeous now and I grabbed a pair of jeans to drop off my car at the dealership for some work last night.  They were tight.  Not so tight I could get them on and button, but tighter than I like.  Way tighter...

This better be the push I need to get back into healthy eating and back to the gym...

I'm flailing

Motivation is lacking lately.  Seriously lacking.  I am eating crap and my exercise is missing.  The longer it goes on, the harder it is for me to stop the bad habits and turn back to the healthy ones.

I am eating crap.  I let myself have Saturdays to splurge.  I need that.  But, the splurge that happens on Saturday hasn't stopped come Sunday.  It goes on and on and one.  I think one more meal...one more evening...well, I screwed up today might as well start again tomorrow.  It's just a vicious cycle.  I get into these and it is so hard to get out of them.  And while in them I gain weight.  I've been ok earlier in the year when it happened because I was good with the exercise.

Which brings me to the other issue I have.  I'm having a hard time getting my butt off the couch.  Sure, the Olympics are on and I'm a junkie.  I sit and watch all the phenominal athletes do their thing and normally it would motivate me to go do something.  Instead it makes me not want to miss another event and I sit.  And eat.

Something needs to click...I need to get my butt in gear with my workout and diet.  Any advice would be welcome.

Motivation

And just like that, it's gone.  Last month was amazing!  I was on track with all my health and fitness goals.  I lost more weight than I set out to lose, I ran more and biked more than I anticipated.  I kept a generally upbeat attitude overall. 

But March?  It seems to have disappeared.  Sure, I'm going to the gym.  Sure, I'm doing my runs.  Sure, I'm signed up for three races, but it's like I'm going through the motions.  Well, I suppose that's not true in the case of my 11 mile run.  But, overall, I feel like I'm just sleep walking through my workouts.  I've stopped making any attempt at eating healthy.  I can't seem to get on the ball with that. 

I'm a little stressed at work.  The first time since I started volunteering there in May.  Could that be it?  I'm a little uncertain about a friendship right now.  Could that be it?  Is it the emotional side of things kicking my butt?  Am I reverting back to old habits?  I thought I had started to get a handle on that.  Maybe not...

So, I'm hoping that by writing this out, even if it is a short post, that it will somehow turn things around.  Maybe by just admitting I'm struggling right now.  Putting it out there for all the "world" to see, that I'll get back in the game.  I'll move forward and leave the bad habits behind.  Here's hoping!